[ somarium ] voicemail

[selfmotivations]

Hey, it's Alvin. Just leave a message and I'll get right back to you.

[ooc: Just label any IC/OOC stuff in the subect line o/]

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[selfmotivations]

It might be an opportunity better left lost, and as they say, let sleeping dogs lie.

[healinguilt]

[ She's been given a spare clothes and goes to change in the bathroom that's attached to the room. From inside: ] So.

What am I supposed to do now that I'm alive again?

[selfmotivations]

[he's just leaning against a wall.]

No idea. Pick up where you left off?

[though seriously. what does a person do when something like this happens?]

[healinguilt]

[ She looks at herself in the mirror of the bathroom. Relatively speaking she appears much healthier, perhaps reset to a month or two before she died. Three months, if she's lucky, but she won't know for certain until she tests herself. She opens the door and leans against the door frame. ] And pretend that this never happened?

[ Just like, you know, how she pretended that that AU never happened or just brushed that one drunken night aside? She can't go on like this. ]

[selfmotivations]

Just call it another bump in the road of life.

[there's some slight dry sarcasm there, but he doesn't know how to handle this either. with Milla, when she came back everyone, including himself, was overjoyed. they could go back to kicking Maxwell's ass and continue on their journey. but this was way too different. too...unnatural. unsettling.

he lets out a sigh.]

I don't know, Naomi. I'm still trying to get over the fact that this even happened. You dying and now standing right here talking, breathing, living? Over the span of, what, less than a week?

People talked about it like it was nothing, but I can't see it like that.

[healinguilt]

[ Her lips purse. This isn't something she wants to deal with. Maybe if she didn't or wouldn't have to suffer from the same illness again upon coming back to life she'd view it as not a big deal-- or even a benefit to this being in this place. But that's not how it is for her, so she can't help but feel disheartened. ] Perhaps if I were stronger, I'd see this as another chance to... find a cure.

[ Wow, if that didn't sound self-pitying. She smiles ruefully, shaking her head. ] Heh. Looks like I have more work cut out for me.

[selfmotivations]

[well that gets her a sharp look.]

Well why don't you? See it as another chance, I mean.

[he did suggest she pick up where she left off. it was weird to think about, but kind of a practical.]

[healinguilt]

Because... [ Because she gave up? Because she doesn't have the right tools or means? ] It'd be impossible. There's nothing, no right equipment, not test subjects I can use to help my situation now.

[ This cold tone doesn't sound like her. Or, well, it doesn't sound like how she was-- but it could be that she had spoken like this before anyone knew her, back when she worked for Delphi. ]

[selfmotivations]

[he straightens, looking a little harder at her.]

What are you talking about? Test subjects?

[not...a phrase he would have expected her to use.]

But even if you couldn't work on a cure here, there's still working on getting back home so you can do it there, right? And we're getting closer.

[healinguilt]

Don't you see? [ She looks at him. ] From here on out, it'll only get more difficult. I'm fighting against a battle that I've effectively already lost.

[ You know, by dying. She crosses her arms, her voice low. ] If I'm now working with a cap on time of each time I try, it's time to use different methods.

[selfmotivations]

[he is not liking the sound of this. now moving toward her.]

Naomi, you're not making any sense. How is it more difficult? You've just been granted another chance at life—not many people get that, not even here.

[healinguilt]

And I realized I wasted the last years of my first chance of life going about my goals the wrong way.

[ No anger here in response, just a cool determination. Time to get back to the way she was. At least she got things done then. ]

[selfmotivations]

...You can't be serious. You think you wasted your life?

[healinguilt]

I need to find a cure. I need to return home. These are two things that did not happen, no thanks to inaction.

[selfmotivations]

Is that really all you took from your life? That because you didn't do one or two things everything else doesn't matter?

[somehow. this is really pissing him off.]

[healinguilt]

Those are the two things that mattered most to me. [ A silent, calm look. ]

And I failed.

[ So stoically does she say this that it's obvious she believes it as truth. Her "mad scientist" part of her, as it were, isn't some person cackling behind a scalpel. It's a harsh, systemic side that leaves little room for more brash emotions to cloud the precision exacted with a surgeon's hands. ]

[selfmotivations]

[just a blank look.]

So nothing we talked about before, nothing we—[he just stops. before she died, in those last month, weeks, days—she had started to act less like that cold scientist and more...human? warmer. but now it's like a complete reversal. and maybe he should have expected something like this. because, what, was he secretly hoping that she might have changed and actually learned to appreciate her life more? was he even hoping for anything?

but even if not, to basically hear her say that nothing that happened in her life, with or without him, really struck something. at first it looks like he would say more but instead he just shakes his head.]

You know what, forget it. If you think that everything has been a waste, then I guess I wasted my time, too.

[healinguilt]

[ There's something in the back of her mind that wants to shout out and say that that's not all true-- it wasn't all a waste with him, either.

But that part of her is quiet, perhaps having died along with her a week ago and still hasn't revived. Perhaps overwhelmed by the thought that he didn't help at all because he didn't contribute to her cause, couldn't be used to obtain her goals, or was only a distraction. That's why she can say in that same tone of voice: ]

No, you weren't helpful.

[ Now she's just putting salt on the wound. ]

[selfmotivations]

[wow. yeah, that was pretty much the last straw. so in an equally cold, mocking voice.]

Then congratulations. [he spreads out his arms and takes a step back.] I won't bother wasting either of our lives here on out.

[healinguilt]

[ Just pointing towards the door. ] Goodbye, Alvin.

[selfmotivations]

[he doesn't even give her a wave or any kind of response because he was already heading out the door before she responded. so yep, there he goes. with a bit of a slam, too.]